They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

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Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"

but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"?

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Honestly some folk will take offense at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

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My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

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They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk s**t and can't drive!

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Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?

The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

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Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

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A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."

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